Andraste Preserve Him
by Janime Lee
Summary: "Five royals say your guy backs out," Bull said. "We'll see that bet," said Lavellan. "I think you've been hanging around a certain ambassador and scruffy dwarf too much," said Dorian. "So do I," Cullen agreed. **Rated M for the F-bomb.


Andraste preserve him. What was he thinking? Oh, wait a moment. That's right, he hadn't been thinking. And now Cullen was in the war room with Sirona, Dorian, and Iron Bull.

The former templar inside his head (as old habits die hard) was convinced that Sirona had cast some kind of spell that now had him in this current predicament. However, that man had been left behind in the Kirkwall Gallows courtyard, and Cullen knew that Sirona would never do anything like that to him or anyone. The cheeky elf had been very creative convincing him to partake in this. Sirona had been hiding under his desk from Sera (they were having a prank war); Cullen didn't know she was there until he accidentally kicked her. After apologizing and making sure she was alright, Sirona had… well, let's just say that Cullen was very glad he had locked all the doors before sitting at his desk.

"You look a little nervous, Commander," said Dorian, leaning against the Ferelden side of the war table. Bull stood next to him with the same smug look the former Ben-Hassrath had for a week after that night they had played Wicked Grace in the Herald's Rest.

"They'll stay on their side," Sirona tried to placate Cullen. He looked at her, focusing on the silvery-blue lines of the vallaslin honoring Dirthamen. Cullen was unable to explain why but following her vallaslin eased him. At times when he would wake in the night, he would watch Sirona as she slept and memorize the pattern. He studied her face, framed by dark hair, and looked into her midnight colored eyes. His nerves started to calm-

"Keep your trousers on if it will make you feel better," said Bull. "You just need the front open. Ours will be gone, just warning you."

Cullen face palmed.

"No border hopping, we promise," Dorian said, "that was part of the rules." Cullen still wasn't convinced. "If you don't mind me asking, how did you get him to concur?"

"Um…" Sirona looked out the window, and Cullen's ears turned red.

"Ha! Nice, boss!" Bull laughed.

"Bravo, Inquisitor!" Dorian was equally impressed.

"Could you just, ugh!" Cullen tossed his hands in the air and started to pace.

"Five royals say your guy backs out," Bull said.

"We'll see that bet," said Sirona.

Cullen looked at her. "Seriously?"

"And raise it to ten royals each person."

"Sirona!"

"I think you've been hanging around a certain ambassador and scruffy dwarf too much," said Dorian.

"So do I," Cullen agreed.

"Trust me, ma vhenan," Sirona turned to him and held out a few slips of rather fancy paper. "Read these."

Cullen took them and did as she said. Dorian and Bull noticed the frown increasing upon reading each paper.

"Really, Sirona," Cullen looked at her, "what was the point with these? I already told Josephine what to do with them."

Without a word, Sirona took the papers, held her arm out to the side, and incinerated them. Cullen watched as the ashes collected on the floor. Then he caught Sirona's face in his hands and kissed her passionately. Her arms circled his neck as his went around her waist, lifting her up and settling her on the war table.

Dorian recovered from shock. "I'm calling that cheating."

Sirona flipped her middle finger, ultimately convincing the Tevinter mage that she did spend too much time with Varric. And Sera.

"Wasn't included in the rules," Iron Bull admitted. "Might as well get the royals worth." Dorian yelped as Bull grabbed him.

* * *

"Maybe we should ask Gatsi to see what's wrong," Leliana suggested.

"It didn't sound like stone cracking and the war room's outer wall isn't collapsing," said Cassandra.

"We'll just take a quick peek," Josephine said, "even if it's nothing, I'll ask Gatsi to check. Worse case scenario, I can call in a few favors to have another mason crew brought in."

They walked down the hallway to the war room. Just as they walked up the few steps, a loud wail emanated from the other side of the oak doors. The three women immediately broke into full sprints, threw open the door-

"Inquisitor!" Josephine shouted. "Are you-!"

-and just as quickly, pulled it shut.

The trio stood there for a few moments, and then Josephine managed to find her voice. "Please tell me I did not see that."

"That depends," Leliana smiled at her, "what did you see?"

"I do not wish to say."

"Then you saw it," Cassandra informed the ambassador as she reached for the door.

* * *

Cullen hastily fastened his belt. "You said you locked the door!"

"I said I was going to," Dorian replied calmly from his perch on the war table, "didn't mean that I would."

Sirona—now wearing Cullen's tunic—glared at Dorian as he and Iron Bull calmly sorted their clothing, while Cullen and Sirona quickly gathered hers.

The door opened again slower this time. Cullen and Sirona froze. Dorian casually draped his clothes over his lap. Iron Bull held his trousers in front of his (very impressive, in Dorian's opinion) groin.

Cassandra looked disgusted and she was seriously considering going to find a very strong drink after this. Leliana looked highly amused. Poor Josephine had such a look of horrified disbelief, as if Corypheus had suddenly decided to cease his mad endeavor to become a god and convert to Andrastian.

"What. Is. Going. On. Here?"

"I think it's obvious, Josie," said Leliana.

"Sure it is," said Bull. "We fucked on Ferelden."

"And they had an orgasm on Orlais," Dorian held out his hand towards the other couple.

"Is that so?" Cassandra walked slowly towards the Inquisitor and her beau.

Sirona backed up against Cullen. He put his arm around her waist, holding her boots in his other hand, and started to lead her backwards to the door. Sirona held her clothes against her as if they could provide some sort of protection.

"You still need me," Sirona held up her left hand.

"For now, yes," the Seeker conceded. "The Commander is another story."

"We're a package," said Cullen.

Iron Bull grinned. "Speaking of packages…"

Cullen turned red. Dorian laughed. Sirona sent a deadly glare in Bull's direction. Josephine looked ready to drop. Leliana snorted. Cassandra was definitely going to make Cabot's work cut out for him.

"We'll, um," Cullen stammered, "be going and, uh, right. Bye." Lifting Sirona, the Commander made a hasty exit from the war room, not feeling the least bit sorry for leaving Dorian and Bull to whatever fate they would now face at the hands of the three women.

Once inside Josephine's office, Cullen set Sirona on her feet. He quickly went to the door to make sure no one was coming and gave a quick nod for the all clear.

Sirona immediately stripped off her lover's tunic and dressed as fast as she could; the boots, of course, took the longest (why did these things need to be so high with so many eyelets, and Elgar'nan, someone could easily be strangled with the laces). Once she had them on and the laces snug enough, Sirona grabbed Cullen's tunic from the floor and ran over to him. Double checking the door, they went through and down the stairs to the dining hall, stopping for a moment for Cullen to put on his tunic.

Once presentable, the couple made their way to the kitchen. Fortunately the kitchen staff was not there; they decided to cover themselves and grabbed a small bread basket and placed a few pieces of fruit, cheese, and a couple bread rolls inside then covered it with a large cloth napkin. Leaving a note for the cook of the taken items so there wouldn't be any issues later; Cullen took the basket and casually followed Sirona outside to the lower courtyard.

They waved at Master Dennet as they passed the stables, hearing the sounds of the hammer and chisel from within the barn as Blackwall continued working on the wooden rocking griffin. Farris gave them a nod as they passed; mentioning to the Inquisitor of a few new contracts he had come across should they be of interest. Sirona thanked him for the information and promised to review them later.

They walked up the stone steps heading to the commander's office, keeping their pace normal as to not draw too much attention (as if the entire population of Skyhold didn't already know of their relationship).

They reached the upper walkway and turned to the door. Sirona raised her hand to grab the door latch-

"Anxious. Never been watched before. Trust her. Trust them. More exciting than expected-"

"Not now, Cole!" the couple yelped.

"Sorry!" and the spirit-boy vanished.

* * *

 **Author's Note**

Been a very long time since I wrote anything. This was inspired by the fanfic Empty Chairs at Empty Tables written by Rhys on AO3; and by party banter between Cole, Sera, Iron Bull, and the Inquisitor. If Bull and the Inquisitor are in a relationship, Cole will comment on their "alone time," and if the response chosen that there is nothing wrong with what the Inquisitor and Bull do in bed, Cole will mention that they were on the war table; to this Sera will remark about Bull taking the Inquisitor "up the Dales." This is where the "F" in Ferelden and "O" in Orlais decided to make themselves known.

Lavellan's first name was inspired by Miracle of Sound - Sirona. Awesome song.


End file.
